Harry Potter and the Chamber of Delirium
by MeesiLightning
Summary: This is insane craziness. Hermione loves Ron. Ron thinks he's a dog. Harry wants to be BatDog. That is all you need to know. ^_^
1. Cheese

A/n: Hello! I am back, but not with a Yu-Gi-Oh story this time! This time I've written one about my favorite book series, Harry Potter! ^_^ It's insanity, chocolate, and cheese its. This is also co-written by my sister, Chloe, who has helped me a lot when I get stuck (which happens **A LOT**) Ahem…-coughs- So, anyway, read, review, and sip tea. And enjoy the story!

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Harry Potter and the Chamber of Delirium (Chapter One)

Hermione Granger was sitting in the Gryffindor common room while reading her new book that her friend, Harry Potter, had given her for her Non-birthday. Ron Weasley walked up to her while munching on Harry's firebolt. 

"What cha readin'?" He asked in between bites.

"'So You Want to Become A Muggle' By Arthur Weasley" Hermione replied while reading the book upside down.

At that moment, Harry decided to come rolling down the stairs. He jumped up, dusted himself off, and struck a pose.

"BATDOG!!" He cried. "My firebolt senses are tingling!" He pointed an accused finger at Ron. "What is that in your mouth that Hermione sees?" He bellowed. Ron dropped the firebolt.

"Blue! Forty-two! HIKE!" Ron screeched.

"Go long!" Harry yelled in reply.

Ron began running backwards while looking forwards and flailing his arms crazily in the air. "I got it! I got it!" he screamed.

"Got what?" Hermione thought aloud.

"The flying Camel!" Ron screamed before tripping over the table that held his chess game and Hermione and sending them both flying. Ron and Hermione landed in a very interesting position.

"Eek!" Hermione squealed, as she just comprehended what had happened. "COOTIES!"

"Mmm…" Ron mumbled deep in thought. "If only I had some whipped cream right about now…"

"Ronald! Do you not forget the little chitty chat we had a couple of minutes ago?" Harry said.

"Cheese!" Ron screeched

"Now is not the time, dear. Now answer the question!"

"Ronald 'members dat, sir…" Ron said in an oddly Dobby-like voice.

"And tell me, Ronnie-kins, what did I say?"

"You said whipped cream is not good. You said you must use ketchup, animal crackers, marshmellow fluff, and peanut butter on a woman." Ron mimicked what Harry had said a few minutes ago.

"Very good!" Harry beamed. "Who's a good boy? WHO'S A GOOD BOY?!" Harry said in a cutesy voice that woman use on babies and dogs.

"Woof!" Ron answered.

"Go get the stick! Go on! GOOD BOY!" Harry screamed as he threw a stick and Ron chased after it.

"I can't take you anymore! I'm going to bed!" Hermione said then paused on the stairs to the Girls' dormitories. "Love you, Ronnie!" She squeaked then ran up the stairs to her room and crashed on the bed.

Ron stood up and shook his head at Harry. "I'll never understand Hermiones," he mumbled.

"Me neither, Ronnie, me neither…" Harry said.

~~~

And thus ends chapter 1! Did ya like? Huh huh huh huh?! ^____^ -coughs again- Umm…yeah, I'm leaving now…-scurries off-


	2. and Crackers

A/n: Wow! You people actually liked this story! –does the happy dance-

Ron: You only got 3 reviews, though…

Zoe: YOU ALWAYS RUIN MY FUN! –grabs a frying pan and starts chasing Ron around-

Ron: AHHHHHHH! CUT TO THE CHAPTER! CUT TO THE CHAPTER! 

Disclaimer (Malik Ishtar): Zoe doesn't own Harry Potter, but she does own the non-plot for this story! Oh, and she didn't own Harry Potter last chapter. Ron had distracted her with his dance that Link does in Majora's Mask so she forgot to put it in. Oh, and she doesn't Zelda either.

Harry Potter and the Chamber of Delirium Chapter Two

"So, Ronnie dear, I love you. I mean, I really truly love you. I MEAN, FOR DUMBLEYDORE'S SAKE, I BUILT A DAMN SHRINE OUT OF YOUR USED BUBBLE GUM IN MY CLOSET!! Oh, wait, no, that was Helga Pataki, not me…" Hermione explained.

Just then, Harry came walking into Moaning Myrtle's bathroom wearing nothing but Harry Potter boxers, a black cape, and a headband that had dog ears on it. "I AM BATDOG! FEAR MY STENCH! BWHAHAHAHAHA!!" Harry bellowed. "What the cheese are you talking about, Ms. Frizzle?" Harry asked, referring to Hermione's hair. Hermione was sitting in a sink filled with water, while talking to Crookshanks. When Crookshanks saw Harry, he hissed and pounced on Harry's head, mistaking him for Scabbers for some odd reason.

"EEEEEYYAAAAAAAAA!!" Harry screamed, the volume of his voice going up a few hundred octaves. Ron came sauntering into the bathroom, while munching on some of Scabbers old food. Hermione looked at him. Ron shrugged, "Hey, if Scabbers ain't gonna eat it, while let it go to waste?" Hermione nodded, more than in love for Ron's voice than understanding. 

Meanwhile, Harry had managed to pry Crookshanks off his head with a stink bomb. Though, it affected everyone else more than Crookshanks, as they ran out of the bathroom holding their noses. As they were running through the halls in slow motion, with smoke in the background, Draco Malfoy pointed at Hermione's butt and said in slow motion, "Ha…..Ha……Her….mio…..ne…..peed…..her…..pants…!" Then the author, and everyone else, got sick of slow motion so they weren't in it anymore.

Hermione turned around, and licked her lips then yelled, "Hey, Blondie! What chu doin' ta nite?"

"Uhh…plotting of evil ideas to kill Harry Potter even though I'm madly in love with him, and I try to hide those feelings by saying I hate him, so yeah, I'm busy tonight," Draco replied.

Everyone stared at him oddly, for he had said that whole sentence very fast and it came out unclear.

"Hmm… Draco, I'm madly in love with you," Hermione said like it was no big deal. Draco then repeated the scream Harry had released in the bathroom when Crookshanks had pounced on his head. Draco then ran off, screaming about Cheese Fairies taking over Hogwarts. Harry fell on the floor and started having a temper tantrum. "THAT STUPID BLONDIE STOLE MY YELL! WAHHHHHH! I WANT MY GODFATHER!" He whined. Ron dropped to his knees and took Harry's head in his hands. "Harry, dear, your godfather is…ME!" Harry looked at Ron, with admiration, confusion, and perhaps love in his eyes. "Ronnie…do you love me?"

"Like a brother, Not."

"Oh. ME TOO!" 

Then the two started hugging. Hermione moaned, "Oh, great, another yaoi story…" She then whacked Harry and Ron upside their heads with her hair, and they moaned in pain.

"HEY! YOUR FRIGGIN' HAIR HURTS LIKE A HAMMER, WOMAN!!" Ron screamed

"Sowwy! I had to whack you out of your Yaoi-ness, or else the rating would have to be changed to Slash," Hermione explained, this time to Ron, not Crookshanks like earlier in this chapter.

"Ahhh. I see…" Ron answered. He then stared at Hermione, and his eyes shone. "Hermione…I never realized…just how frizzy your hair was!" Ron said, and he didn't explain it, because the authoress has already used the word "explained" twice in this chapter. Hermione grinned at Ron, "I'll take that as a yes."

"For what?"

"For that you love me."

"Oh. I love you, too!"

Then the two started making out, in the halls, with Ron still having Scabber's old food in his mouth, and Hermione's butt still being soaked. The snow that just appeared started sprinkling in the background, and the camera started whirling around their kiss. Then the camera got dizzy and it passed out on the floor. And then the chapter ended, with Harry still throwing his temper tantrum, and Ron and Hermione still making out in the halls. What no one knew, was, that the snow was really just Neville putting crackers through a fan and the crumbs were falling on them. Oh crap. Now everyone knows what it really was…

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End. Of the chapter, not the story. 

Wee! I tried making that chapter longer than the first one, and I hope it was…and I hope you liked it! Remember: Reviewing is the way to an Authoress's "Authoress's Notes" in the next chapter!


	3. With wine

A/n: Lalala! I am back! FEAR ME!

Ron: AHHHH! ZOMBIE!! *hides behind Harry* Save me, mummy!

Harry: o_O *puts on Redneck accent* Girl, what chu be talkin' 'bout? I ain' yo' Mum!

Zoe: Yeah…well, anyway, SORRY! I did so not mean to forget about this story…I've been working on other stories…

Yugi: Yeah, sure, you haven't updated in over a month…

Zoe: Yugi?! WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING HERE?! BACK TO YOUR OWN STORY, WOMAN! *starts pushing him out*

Yugi: But—But—which story do I go into?

Zoe: YOU FIGURE IT OUT, BLONDIE! *shoves him in a random one*

Hermione: Gee, you sure are nice to your favorite characters…

Zoe: Oh, shut-up, Mr. Smarty-pants! Well, anyway, I'd like to say thank you to all my wonderful reviewers! I LOVE YOU GUYS!! And Selenee, thanks for that name…I think I'm going to create the s/n "XD Cracker Crumbs XD" 'cause I feel like makin' a new one…and also, thanks to Dude who threatened me! Reviews like that make me want to update sooner! ^_^

Ron: You are a sad strange little man, and you have my pity. Farewell! *turns around to leave but crashes into a wall* x_x

Disclaimer (Again, it's Malik Ishtar): Zoe doesn't own nothin' in this here story, and if you think o' suein' her, then I wish you luck, for all you'lls get is some o' that there lint 'n all…

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Chapter 3 – "With some wine"

"Mm…tha's wha' I'm talkin' 'bout…" Hermione mumbled in her sleep.

"MR. SMARTY-PANTS-LADY! BATDOG COMMANDS YOU TO WAKE UP, PEASANT!!"

"Woof!"

Hermione rolled out of bed and hit her head on the floor. She looked up and was surprised to see Harry and Ron standing over her. Harry was still in his outfit from last chapter, and Ron was wearing a dog suit. (If you've seen Yu-Gi-Oh!, it's the dog's outfit Joey wears in the Dungeon Dice Monsters episodes)

"AHHHHH! THERE'S A BOY IN MY ROOM!!"

Harry looked around rapidly and jumped onto Hermione's nightstand, squishing poor Crookshanks in the process. "GET IT AWAY! GET IT AWAY!!"

Ron began to bark at all the excitement in the room, and ran around in circles. Crookshanks crawled out from under Harry and went to…somewhere that is beyond my powers to detect where he is.

"THE HELL IS GOING ON HERE?!" 

"Percy! WHY ARE ALL THE BOYS COMING INTO THE GIRLS' DORMOTORIES?!"

Harry ran over to Percy and held some meat in front of his face

"Who's a good doggy? Fetch, boy! [1]" He threw it out the window, and Percy chased after it barking all the way.

"Like brother, like older brother…" Hermione mumbled. Ron looked up from chewing on some girl's slipper and cocked his head at Hermione. Ra, he'll never understand women…

"AIIIIYEEEE!! THOSE ARE MY GOOD SLIPPERS, YOU WANNA-BE DOG!!" 

Ron whimpered and ran out of the room with an artificial tail in between his legs.

Harry, again, fell on the floor and started having a temper tantrum. "DON'T STEAL MY SCREEEEEEEAM!!" 

Hermione finally caught on to what was happening, and that her make-out-spree with Ron was just a dream…or a horrible nightmare to some. 

"NOOOOOOO!! MY LIFE NOW HAS NO MEANING TO IT!! Hey, look, a nickel!" She suddenly forgot all her problems as she spotted a nickel and picked it up and began to shine it. "Ooo…prettyful…"

"Silly wanna-be-girl, the meaning of life is 42!" Harry corrected Hermione.

"But…I thought the meaning of life was to kill Peggy-Jane?"

"No, that's just the American dream, dear…" 

"Oh."

"Yeah…don't question my authority, or else….ELSE!" Harry cackled since he thought he left an empty threat, which didn't bother Hermione at all as she started crying at not being informed of the meaning of life…damn American Dream getting her confused with the meaning of life…

* * *

"Lalala…oh yeah, I'm a pretty lady…Who's a pretty lady?! Harry's a pretty lady! Oh, yes he is!" Harry cooed at his reflection in the mirror as he applied firecracker red lipstick to his…well, lips.

"Oh, Harry, have you seen my dog's outfit I wore for Halloween? I can't find it anywhe—Hey! Is that the new lipstick color from the Crossdressing for Men magazine?" Neville questioned as he entered the room.

"Oh, yes, dear it is! I just snagged this copy and lipstick from Seamus! What a great chap he is…"

"Oh! Might I try it, Harry? Might I?"

"Oh, God, you sound like Mary from The Secret Garden…so don't spoke like that. It ain't soundin' right."

Neville bowed his head. "Yessir."

"Don't call me sir, I apply lipstick fo' a livin'."

Neville squeaked another 'Yessir!' and ran out of the room. Harry fumed and stood up and threw his lipstick down.

"Damnit! How many times have I told that little girl not to squeak and run outta the room like Peggy-Jane himself is chasing him?! God, I gotta go smack some sense into that whippersnapper…" And he ran out of the room, passed Hermione who was watching Pokémon, passed Ron who was licking his aritifical tail clean, and took off to find Neville.

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End. Duh.

[1] – If you've seen Pocahontas, you know how the dog's name is Percy and Wiggins (*giggles uncontrollably* Wiggins is my favorite character! ^^) holds some steak in front of Percy's face and says "Percy good doggy! Fetch, boy!" during once scene…and so, that's where I got the idea. SO LAUGH! IT T'WAS A FUNNY PART!

A/n: Is it me or are most of my chaplets really really short? Ugh…I pwomise, next chapter shall be much longer! So, anyway, READ AND REVIEW! Please! Oh yeah, and about Ron's dog outfit, if you haven't seen Yu-Gi-Oh! (And shame on you if you haven't, you naughty, naughty Peggy) then leave your e-mail address in a review, and I'll send you a piclet of the outfit! It's really funny, and believe me, it'll make this chapter a lot more funnier if you knew how it looked! Also, it's going to be making quite a few more appearances in future chapters…_hint hint. _Anyway, ja ne for now! ^_~


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